So, I returned home from a road trip on Tuesday night, only to find this note on my bed:

I called a friend, got together my detective gear (a trench coat, a magic 8 ball, a sewing kit, and a headlamp) and did some investigating. We checked the crime scene for clues and found nothing, except that my patio table is conspicuously missing.
I got a lead from a friend who said he knew an "inside man" who could help me find my table...We've got a meeting tonight at 9pm. More updates to come!
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